I want

I want the normal things out of life.

I want a raise at work. I want my boss to stop being a two-faced bitch. I want free rent and kitchen cupboards so full of food that I never have to think the word "hungry" ever again.

...

But what I really want?

I want my sister to wake up in the morning and not be in pain. I want her to be able to walk up and down the single flight of stairs at work without needing to be carried. I want her to stop crying and i want her to stop feeling sad and helpless because shes the strongest, most capable person I've ever met in my entire life. And she deserves to feel that way.

I want my brother to be capable of following his dreams of being a chef. I want him to wake up one morning and find that he isn't ashamed of his autism anymore. I really want the rest of the world to realize that his autism isn't a curse. It doesn't make him any less. It makes him better. He loves more than anyone deserves. I want him to see that as much as my sister and I do.


I want to stop being scared.
Scared of being alone. Scared of getting close to people. Scared that I'm not good enough.
I want to be good enough for myself again.
I want to find that piece of myself that I lost.
I want to stop feeling like a nuisance and a waste of space.
I want....
I want Aaron to stay. I'm going to be so alone when he leaves. I want him to have everything and be everything that he deserves. That means leaving for another country. But I want him to stay.
I want to be the kind of person that he deserves. He's my best friend in this ridiculous city. I can't give him everything that I wish I could.
So I want to at least make his last few weeks at home memorable ones.

"When you can't have what you want, I'ts time to start wanting what you have."

Wish me luck.