Terrified.

 I read something today, about people with bipolar disorder, that really hit home.

“We want you to know, that we are scared of our symptoms, too.”

We are. We are so scared.

Scared of hurting and losing those we love. Scared of losing ourselves.

I know who I am. Or, at least, I think I do. 

But my mood swings and manic episodes often turn me into someone completely different. At times, Someone full of anger and rage. And immediately after, someone void of anything, except thoughts of worthlessness and pain.

And it’s terrifying. It’s almost as if I’m watching a stranger control my body. Doing and saying whatever they want. While I float in the distance, unable to stop it. I have no control. And I never know what I’m going to do. Ruin my credit? My relationships? Both?

But the worst part? 

Everyone around me thinks that I do. I know I’m having the episode. So, I should just be able to stop it in it’s tracks. I should get on medication, and I’ll just be magically fixed in a matter of seconds. Easy peasy. Nothing but smooth sailing from then on out. I’ll be just like you. I’ll be “normal.”

But that’s not how it works. And it’s... you guessed it. 

TERRIFYING.

I learned from a young age that I’m only allowed to have 1 episode per person. 1. And after that, my episodes are just annoying. A nuisance. Like I’m doing it on purpose, to ruin your day. So, I pretend I’m better. I pretend I’m perfectly fine, while I’m drowning inside. I tell my friends, family and coworkers that I’m fine, while I’m sitting in the shower, tears pouring down my face, wondering why I’m still alive. I tell everyone I’m fine, even though I’m not, because I don’t want to be a nuisance. Because, even though I can’t help it, I’m ashamed of the fact that I’m sick. I should be strong enough to not be sick. 

And I’m terrified... that you’ll add up all of my symptoms and realize that I’m not worth the hassle.

So, yes. People with bipolar disorder are scared of our symptoms, too. And I just wish that more people understood that.