Im laying on my bed, right now. My 4 month old son is on my chest, fast asleep. My 2 year old daughter is watching YouTube on my phone next to me. And, Americas Got Talent, one of my all time favorite shows, is on the TV. My life seems pretty gosh darn good, right now. I feel a sense of calm and happiness in this moment that I haven't felt in awhile. However, underneath it all, I still have a little anxious tick that I just cant shake. A little baby knot lives in my stomach, just below where my son is snoring away. (poor thing had his vaccinations, today.) And, I hate that I can say this; its an entirely normal feeling. I am completely and utterly used to this nervous, vomitty feeling. So much so, that it isn't alarming.
I have had this blog for years. I originally started using it as a diary. That explains why the posts are very scattered. I Also hoped that this blog could help other people with the same disorder, or something similar. Sometimes, realizing that you arent alone, and that other people are just as crazy, is the best feeling in the entire world. However, I realized recently, that I never really talked about my disorder in any of my posts. No wonder I got no comments or views. I imagine everyone was super confused.
So, lets start over.
My name is Aubry. I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was 13. A tiny little 8th grader. And, as an 8th grader, no one really explained the disorder to me. Nor did I ask any questions. Lets be real. I was 13. I didn't really WANT to know anything. But, when I finally starting giving a hoot, it was really rattling to realize that I knew almost NOTHING about a disorder that is integral to my being. It affects my every day life in ways that I didn't even realize. Its absolutely insane!
I am type 2 bipolar. Which basically means that I'm depressed a whole awful lot. And then, for a few days, I'm super happy and productive. I also spend a lot of money during these times. My judgement is crooked. And, did I mention that I spend A LOT of money? My last manic period, I spent $175 on lipstick. But I mean... at least I spent it on something important, right?
Because my depressive moods are actually my "normal", I've had a lot of personal time with my demons to learn how to control them and when to let them out. Most people don't even know I'm bipolar at all. Which, if you knew me in high school, is extremely shocking. It took a lot of work to get to where I am, though. I didn't just wake up one morning, decide to be happy all the time and wave a magic wand. I didn't snap a finger and make all my demons turn to dust. It would have been much cooler. But it didn't happen. I had to work at it for years. I had to piss off a lot of people, and apologize about 2 million times, to myself and everyone around me. I had a million mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks. Not an exaggeration. I scared away countless relationships, and cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. I went skinny dipping and drank a lot of dr pepper, because, honestly, those two things fix just about everything.
IT. WAS. WORK.
But.
It was insanely worth it. As I sit here with my children around me, I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a single bump, twist, or turn in my road. I went through every ounce of turmoil for a reason. It made me the person that I am, today. The strong, capable, hard as nails, yet compassionate person that I am proud of.
THAT is what I want this blog to be about. I want everyone to read my story and KNOW that life is hard. For some of us, its dark. But it can and will get better. I'm going to share my story with the world, my darkest days and my brightest, so that, hopefully, that small child who sits alone in the back of the classroom and hides scars from the world, can learn to appreciate their own story, and not be ashamed. Even darkness in beautiful.
I have had this blog for years. I originally started using it as a diary. That explains why the posts are very scattered. I Also hoped that this blog could help other people with the same disorder, or something similar. Sometimes, realizing that you arent alone, and that other people are just as crazy, is the best feeling in the entire world. However, I realized recently, that I never really talked about my disorder in any of my posts. No wonder I got no comments or views. I imagine everyone was super confused.
So, lets start over.
My name is Aubry. I was diagnosed as bipolar when I was 13. A tiny little 8th grader. And, as an 8th grader, no one really explained the disorder to me. Nor did I ask any questions. Lets be real. I was 13. I didn't really WANT to know anything. But, when I finally starting giving a hoot, it was really rattling to realize that I knew almost NOTHING about a disorder that is integral to my being. It affects my every day life in ways that I didn't even realize. Its absolutely insane!
I am type 2 bipolar. Which basically means that I'm depressed a whole awful lot. And then, for a few days, I'm super happy and productive. I also spend a lot of money during these times. My judgement is crooked. And, did I mention that I spend A LOT of money? My last manic period, I spent $175 on lipstick. But I mean... at least I spent it on something important, right?
Because my depressive moods are actually my "normal", I've had a lot of personal time with my demons to learn how to control them and when to let them out. Most people don't even know I'm bipolar at all. Which, if you knew me in high school, is extremely shocking. It took a lot of work to get to where I am, though. I didn't just wake up one morning, decide to be happy all the time and wave a magic wand. I didn't snap a finger and make all my demons turn to dust. It would have been much cooler. But it didn't happen. I had to work at it for years. I had to piss off a lot of people, and apologize about 2 million times, to myself and everyone around me. I had a million mental breakdowns and anxiety attacks. Not an exaggeration. I scared away countless relationships, and cried myself to sleep more times than I can count. I went skinny dipping and drank a lot of dr pepper, because, honestly, those two things fix just about everything.
IT. WAS. WORK.
But.
It was insanely worth it. As I sit here with my children around me, I can honestly say that I wouldn't change a single bump, twist, or turn in my road. I went through every ounce of turmoil for a reason. It made me the person that I am, today. The strong, capable, hard as nails, yet compassionate person that I am proud of.
THAT is what I want this blog to be about. I want everyone to read my story and KNOW that life is hard. For some of us, its dark. But it can and will get better. I'm going to share my story with the world, my darkest days and my brightest, so that, hopefully, that small child who sits alone in the back of the classroom and hides scars from the world, can learn to appreciate their own story, and not be ashamed. Even darkness in beautiful.
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