Who Am I?

I haven’t been myself in a long time.

Sometimes, I find it hard to remember even the simplest things about myself. I know the facts. My name is Aubry Elizabeth Holdefer. I am 19 years old. I work at the Chariton Hy-Vee store in the Wine and Spirits department. I have one sister and one brother. They are both older than me. I am dating Kyle Angran, and he has a 2 year old daughter.

I know that I used to love art. I used to stay up late at night, searching for my latest inspiration. Drawing came easy to me. It was like breathing. My hand was born knowing the feel of a pencil. My sketches gave me a purpose. People enjoyed looking at them, almost as much as I enjoyed creating them. I was content.

Now, I pick up a pencil and all I feel is wood. The ridges hurt my hand. And, the memories hurt my heart. I haven’t been able to draw in over a year. Not for lack of trying, of course. I have tried to no avail. My mind can remember the lines, and the strokes… but my hand no longer knows what to do. It’s a scary feeling.

I know that I want to by a psychologist. I’ve always wanted to help people. I used to have much bigger ambitions, though. I wanted to join the Peace Corps. Helping the lives of other’s that can’t help themselves was my dream. Eventually, I even sponsored a child in Chile. Her name is Ana. I have been giving her money for almost two years now. Her letters used to excite me. Seeing how fast she was growing, and hearing that my life had an impact on hers… it made everything else seem so insignificant. Now, I can’t even find the time to write her back. I take that back. Time is something I never run out of. Ambition and want… those are the things that I lack, and I haven’t been able to find them anywhere. Even going to college this coming August is becoming an annoyance. I find myself coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t go, rather than cheering myself on.

I used to have friends. I was never alone, and I was never home. You could never find me on an average day. Disappearing on journeys with my friends was my specialty. My life was exciting. People wanted to know me. They wanted to be with me. Strangers envied me… Now, I feel so alone. My friends have all gone away. And, I fear that it is my fault. Somewhere, within the months that I can’t remember, I decided that they weren’t worth my time. I alienated them for a life that I thought deserved more attention. Now, I’m beginning to alienate that life as well. My love no longer looks at me the way he used to. His eyes would light up when they saw me, as if they had just been struck my cupid’s arrow all over again. I don’t blame him for falling out of love. I am impossible to love in this state. I feel like a broken, depressed record. I can’t stop. Stuck in this vicious cycle, I have no idea what has become of me, or when it began.

Happiness finds me in rare forms. In the smile of my two year old almost-step-daughter. In an embrace from my love. In the rare “I love you” from my parents. It feels as if I am preparing to say goodbye. These rare forms of happiness find me, and then they instantly make me sad. I fear every second that I will never get to see them again.

Everyone leaves. I am not worth their love, or their attention. I am broken.

I am scared. A lot more scared than I let on. Flashbacks from the night I attempted to end my life haunt my every waking moment. I tell myself that I have been through this before. That it will all get better, and I will be happy again. But it’s hard to believe that, when I can’t even remember what happiness feels like.

I just want to remember who I am.