I died for many reasons that night.
Starting with the fact that my grades were going down the drain. I had always been a strait "A" student. When I lost that, I felt like a failure. My grades were all I ever had. And they were gone.
I thought my parents would get mad at me for it. That they would ground me... My sister had been grounded for a good part of her high school career because she had bad grades. My parents never even noticed mine.They never noticed anything. Not even that I drank, every night, right under their noses. Under their roof...
When my depression reached an all time low, they never asked me if I was alright. In fact, I started crying one night, and my mother yelled at me. She told me to stop being a baby. That no one wanted to hear me... It was like... now that I wasn't in therapy, she didn't have to worry about looking like a bad mother. I had no one to tell. So she didn't care.
I was dating cody at the time. I knew he was no good. I hated the fact that I was with him. But I didn't think that anyone else could want me. I liked that he wanted me. Even if it was only when it was convenient for him. He had broken up with me again that night. I felt worthless. I couldn't even keep a boy like Cody.
There had to be something wrong with me.
Ashley had broken up with Julian again that night. He was so hurt...But he couldn't stop looking at her. Protecting her.
I wanted that. Not him. I wanted to be protected.I wanted to hear someone tell me that they noticed me.That everything would be alright...
But no one ever did.
At first, I took the ibuprofen for a headache. I only took a couple. That's all I had intended on taking.
Chris saw me crying that night. Chris is my cousin. I had never hung out with him before that night, but everyone had always told me about how important family was to him. I thought he would try to cheer me up. But he just laughed.
So I took a few more pain killers.
And drank a little bit more alcohol.
I wanted to be numb. I didn't want to feel worthless anymore. I didn't want to feel anything.
They all saw me down the bottle of pain killers... Julian was worried. Mandy was worried. Do you know what Chris said?
He said, "Welcome to the family." And he laughed... and then he shoved more pills in my face.
So, i took them. And then i went inside for more.
Julian tried to hide them from me. But, it didn't work. I didn't want to be protected anymore. I wanted them to worry. I wanted my parents to notice me. I wanted them to cry the way i had cried every night for months.
By the end of the night, i had taken 18 ibuprofen, 6 of my anti-psychotic meds, and downed a whole bottle of cough syrup.
I was just so tired of being alive...
I don't remember a lot after that.
But I do remember my angel.
I had laid down on the floor to take a nap. And she started to cry. She knew what I had done, even if no one else had noticed.
She was so scared.
She lit my "Kandalynn" candle, and placed it on the floor by my head. And then, she laid down on the floor with me, and held my hand. She never let go. She told me that Kandalynn would keep me safe while i slept.
Mandy Kelley is the reason that I lived through that night. If she hadn't held my hand, I know in my heart that I wouldn't be here today.
Her Kindness saved me.
I have been asked many times why I'm so optimistic and happy every day.
My answer is simple.
My entire life has been full of disappointment and sadness. That night, I reached a low point in my life. I never want to feel that pain and sadness again. So I made the choice to be happy. Some days are harder than others. Because of my bipolar disorder, I will always have a voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm not good enough. Or smart enough. Or that I'm not worth it. Some days, that voice almost reaches the surface. I can feel it in the back of my mind.... trying to take control. But, because Mandy saved my life, I will always fight to keep myself alive.
And, if I have to be alive, I might as well be happy. Right?
Starting with the fact that my grades were going down the drain. I had always been a strait "A" student. When I lost that, I felt like a failure. My grades were all I ever had. And they were gone.
I thought my parents would get mad at me for it. That they would ground me... My sister had been grounded for a good part of her high school career because she had bad grades. My parents never even noticed mine.They never noticed anything. Not even that I drank, every night, right under their noses. Under their roof...
When my depression reached an all time low, they never asked me if I was alright. In fact, I started crying one night, and my mother yelled at me. She told me to stop being a baby. That no one wanted to hear me... It was like... now that I wasn't in therapy, she didn't have to worry about looking like a bad mother. I had no one to tell. So she didn't care.
I was dating cody at the time. I knew he was no good. I hated the fact that I was with him. But I didn't think that anyone else could want me. I liked that he wanted me. Even if it was only when it was convenient for him. He had broken up with me again that night. I felt worthless. I couldn't even keep a boy like Cody.
There had to be something wrong with me.
Ashley had broken up with Julian again that night. He was so hurt...But he couldn't stop looking at her. Protecting her.
I wanted that. Not him. I wanted to be protected.I wanted to hear someone tell me that they noticed me.That everything would be alright...
But no one ever did.
At first, I took the ibuprofen for a headache. I only took a couple. That's all I had intended on taking.
Chris saw me crying that night. Chris is my cousin. I had never hung out with him before that night, but everyone had always told me about how important family was to him. I thought he would try to cheer me up. But he just laughed.
So I took a few more pain killers.
And drank a little bit more alcohol.
I wanted to be numb. I didn't want to feel worthless anymore. I didn't want to feel anything.
They all saw me down the bottle of pain killers... Julian was worried. Mandy was worried. Do you know what Chris said?
He said, "Welcome to the family." And he laughed... and then he shoved more pills in my face.
So, i took them. And then i went inside for more.
Julian tried to hide them from me. But, it didn't work. I didn't want to be protected anymore. I wanted them to worry. I wanted my parents to notice me. I wanted them to cry the way i had cried every night for months.
By the end of the night, i had taken 18 ibuprofen, 6 of my anti-psychotic meds, and downed a whole bottle of cough syrup.
I was just so tired of being alive...
I don't remember a lot after that.
But I do remember my angel.
I had laid down on the floor to take a nap. And she started to cry. She knew what I had done, even if no one else had noticed.
She was so scared.
She lit my "Kandalynn" candle, and placed it on the floor by my head. And then, she laid down on the floor with me, and held my hand. She never let go. She told me that Kandalynn would keep me safe while i slept.
Mandy Kelley is the reason that I lived through that night. If she hadn't held my hand, I know in my heart that I wouldn't be here today.
Her Kindness saved me.
I have been asked many times why I'm so optimistic and happy every day.
My answer is simple.
My entire life has been full of disappointment and sadness. That night, I reached a low point in my life. I never want to feel that pain and sadness again. So I made the choice to be happy. Some days are harder than others. Because of my bipolar disorder, I will always have a voice in the back of my head that tells me I'm not good enough. Or smart enough. Or that I'm not worth it. Some days, that voice almost reaches the surface. I can feel it in the back of my mind.... trying to take control. But, because Mandy saved my life, I will always fight to keep myself alive.
And, if I have to be alive, I might as well be happy. Right?
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