Inevitable

When I was young, I was always baffled by how different I was from everyone else around me. I remember going to all of my grandmother's family dinners, and hiding away in her room the entire time. Sometimes, I would cry. That's still a common occurrence. When I have nothing to do, nothing to occupy my time and my mind, I think about everything. Every feeling that I have ever had in my entire life, every bad memory that I ever stored away in the depths of my mind, and every thought that I have ever hidden behind closed lips, comes to the surface. I cry.
I have been told that I worry way too much. I suppose that's probably true. My worst fear is that I'll be left behind again. That I won't be good enough for anyone to keep. So I worry about every word I say and every move I make. What if I'm annoying to people? Did I offend anyone? Maybe that was inappropriate... should I apologize?
I take things very seriously. You'r facial expression, as innocent as you might think it is, could send me into a minor panic attack. It's just the way I have always been. So, I avoided the human race entirely. It was easier.
If you were to ask where this all stemmed from... I suppose i would have to say it was my sister. She has always been stick thin, gorgeous, friendly, athletic, and funny. She was everything that every guy wanted. She always seemed like the favorite. Sometimes, my parents openly treated her that way. I always viewed her as absolute perfection. Every time someone addressed me as "Kira Holdefer's little sister", it only worsened my belief that i was nothing.
However, my sister was my best friend. I specifically remember one day during my freshman year of high school... she forced me out of the house and took me to the store for ice cream. We then drove around town in our fathers Camaro for hours listening to the backstreet boys and screaming the lyrics so loud that we lost our voices. She always loved me. She was always there for me, trying to make me happy. No matter how much i hated her for being perfect, I loved her even more. So i could never bring myself to tell her how I felt about her. I could never hurt her.
As the darkness filled my heart I began to think about the minds and hearts of others. It was unhealthy... I would envision there bodies lying on a table, there brains in a jar. And, i would envision myself standing above them with a knife, pulling them apart, piece by lonely piece. On the outside i only cared about making others happy. On the inside, i cared less about them. These thoughts always made me feel guilty. But i could not take them back.
Eventually, i began drinking, doing drugs, and cutting myself. I knew something was wrong with me. I knew i needed help. However, you never expect to hear that there really IS something wrong with you. The day i found out that i was bipolar was the worst day of my life.
I was relieved to finally have help. However, I also had proof that i could not be happy. Not on my own.
This fact hit me hardest the day of my uncle's wedding. Every one else was so happy. They all celebrated the union with such excitement... and i was faking every smile. I knew i was happy. Deep down, i was overjoyed. My uncle deserved to finally be with someone that made him feel special and wanted. However, my heart, my mind, and my body continuously went against this fact. I felt nothing. I was a blank slate. When i saw my uncle's smile that night, i became afraid of myself. It really was a great turning point in my life.
I could never be happy. Not on my own.
I would never be happy.
I would be alone.
...
This chant has repeated itself in my mind for years.
And now, we've reached the climax of this blog. The reason behind this long and seemingly pointless ramble.
I am happy.
When I walk around outside, all i can see is the magic behind every thing. I see the way trees stand tall and proud through out the seasons. I witness the way a flower blooms in the most deserted areas, and thrives. The strength that we all have... the trees, the flowers, the animals, and even we humans, continuously surprises me. Against all odds, we have thrived for thousands of years. We have gone through wars, flash floods, forest fires, tsunamis, hurricanes, life shattering earth quakes, and so many deaths that its hard to believe.
People are still happy.
Its magical.
I have found love and i am far from alone.
My life is perfect.
I spoke too soon, and i was wrong.
Just because things arent going the best for you right now, they will get better. This i can promise you. It might not be tomorrow, or even next week. But someday in the future, you're going to wake up, and you'll realize exactly what i did this morning on my way home. You're view of the world will change, and you'll laugh at the old you that didn't believe you could ever feel this way.
Happiness finds everyone.
And, it makes all the trial and error through out your life worth it.
The End.
P.s. If you can find someone to spend that happiness with, you can laugh at your pasts together. That's what life is all about. Laughing with someone that makes you happy. :)