http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSwCR3mey7s
In my life time, my very short existence on this earth, I have lost too many people to count. Some of them were taken by Death's cold hand, and forcefully led away to a place none of us can reach. I wish every day that these people were much closer, that i could still converse with them as i always used to. They have been, and will aways be, the people that I think about and treasure every day of my life.
I have also watched many friends walk away of there own volition and never turn back. These people went on to live there lives in peace while i watched from afar, wondering what in the world i did wrong. You see, from the time i walked into my kindergarten class room when i was 5 years old, i have never been able to keep a friend. I was never enough. Not for anyone.
I have found companions in my life that made me forget about my troubles and made me feel like i was... normal. I have always been overly emotional. When i was young, i had permanent tears drawn on my cheeks. I would cry at the drop of a hat. It always made my father angry. As i grew older, the tears ebbed. However, as the sadness stopped coming, all of my other emotions followed suit. I stopped feeling happiness, anger, joy, disgust, pity, and most devastatingly of all, trust. The lack of human emotion made it hard for me to keep a soul by my side. I scared people away.
Being diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and severe depression ruined me. It gave me a way to explain my weirdness to others. The downside? It's impossible to understand why i am the way i am unless you've experienced what I've gone through. I would get angry or extremely hyper at completely random moments... and apparently that's only acceptable the first couple of times. I would never wish this disorder upon anyone. It's horrid.
Recently, i lost a dear friend to fate. He was one of the few that made me forget. He knew all of my mood swings, and chose to remain my friend anyway. Of all the people in this world that i have lied to and acted for...he is one of the very few that knew the real me. He showed me that i'm worth it. He thought i was a good person. He thought i was beautiful. I will continue to love him and treasure him every day of my life because of this.
However, I could never convince him of the same. To this day, he has this emptiness within him that i never had the power to fill. He shows off and speaks about himself as if he were a god... but i could always tell the truth from the lie. He is the kindest soul i have ever met. It is a gift he was born with. Though, as it always goes, that gift is also his curse. He feels the pain of others as if it were his own. I believe that he even gets them confused at times. Believing that he needs to be strong for others at all times, he never speaks about these feelings. They never dissolve within him. He carries them around always. They fester beneath his skin and grow with each breathe he takes. I could never convince him of how truly special he is. Although, it was not for lack of trying. I was no help to him. But, i tried to help until the very last second.
Sadly, fate pulls us all in different directions, and after a long battle to keep him in my life i grew tired of being the only one fighting. We no longer speak.
Life doesn't give you the people you want. It gives you the people you need. To love you. To hate you. To make you. To break you. And to make you the person that you were meant to be.
I learned something very valuable from his friendship. If you have to change for someone, you're better off without them. Be proud of who you are.
"To dream of the person you wish to be is to waste the wonderful person that you already are."
So, this is me:
I love to dance in the rain, jumping in the puddles on the side of the road.
I love throwing my arms out far from my sides, pretending that i can fly.
I love feeling the wind all around me, the grass on my bare feet, and the suns rays bathing my face.
I love screaming random things out my bedroom window at the top of my lungs.
I love sitting on the sidewalk and watching the grass grow, cheering on each separate blade.
I love to laugh, I love to cry, I love to smile, and frown, and everything in between.
I love being happy, and angry. Sad, and excited. All of life's little emotions put together make the day a lot more wonderful.
I believe in my own personal god.
I have my own unique vision of the world laid out before me. and I believe in all of lifes little wonders.
Im zany. Im weird. Im different. Im exciting. Im a loner who loves having her moments in the spotlight.
That's just me, and I'm happy to say I'm proud of all of my quirks.
It took me years to love even the tiniest piece of myself. All the struggle was worth it. I hope It's worth it for everyone.
However, I could never convince him of the same. To this day, he has this emptiness within him that i never had the power to fill. He shows off and speaks about himself as if he were a god... but i could always tell the truth from the lie. He is the kindest soul i have ever met. It is a gift he was born with. Though, as it always goes, that gift is also his curse. He feels the pain of others as if it were his own. I believe that he even gets them confused at times. Believing that he needs to be strong for others at all times, he never speaks about these feelings. They never dissolve within him. He carries them around always. They fester beneath his skin and grow with each breathe he takes. I could never convince him of how truly special he is. Although, it was not for lack of trying. I was no help to him. But, i tried to help until the very last second.
Sadly, fate pulls us all in different directions, and after a long battle to keep him in my life i grew tired of being the only one fighting. We no longer speak.
Life doesn't give you the people you want. It gives you the people you need. To love you. To hate you. To make you. To break you. And to make you the person that you were meant to be.
I learned something very valuable from his friendship. If you have to change for someone, you're better off without them. Be proud of who you are.
"To dream of the person you wish to be is to waste the wonderful person that you already are."
So, this is me:
I love to dance in the rain, jumping in the puddles on the side of the road.
I love throwing my arms out far from my sides, pretending that i can fly.
I love feeling the wind all around me, the grass on my bare feet, and the suns rays bathing my face.
I love screaming random things out my bedroom window at the top of my lungs.
I love sitting on the sidewalk and watching the grass grow, cheering on each separate blade.
I love to laugh, I love to cry, I love to smile, and frown, and everything in between.
I love being happy, and angry. Sad, and excited. All of life's little emotions put together make the day a lot more wonderful.
I believe in my own personal god.
I have my own unique vision of the world laid out before me. and I believe in all of lifes little wonders.
Im zany. Im weird. Im different. Im exciting. Im a loner who loves having her moments in the spotlight.
That's just me, and I'm happy to say I'm proud of all of my quirks.
It took me years to love even the tiniest piece of myself. All the struggle was worth it. I hope It's worth it for everyone.
Aubry, Aubry, Aubry... you are such a special girl. Believe me when I tell you that he is still there when you need him. He is still your friend. I know because we have talked about it.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I have tried hard over the years to make him see himself as who he is with little success. As he grows, he learns and his ego is there only as a shield against those that would hurt him. He does feel more than he lets on and the "I just don't care" means he doesn't want to be involved in any more drama than he already has.
I know, I am preaching to the choir here so I will continue on with the rest.
I know what it is like to have a bipolar child. I have lived with one his whole life. At times frustrating, at times jubilant but all the time he is one of the most wonderful kids I know, just as you are. Bipolar, ODD, ADHD, Reactive Attachment Disorder and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome all are terrible disorders to have to live with, he has them all. Remember that there are those that are worse off, by far, than you. Being emotional, mood swings, highs and lows are part of you that, as time passes, can be managed into some form of 'normalcy' if anyone of us could actually be labeled 'normal.'
I will love you till I die, my sweet young friend. Never, ever give up and always be you. God made you the way you are for a reason and that reason is so you could be inspiration to, and for, others. You will always have a friend in me... always. Don't ever change...
If only my parents had been as understanding...
DeleteMy father doesnt believe in mental illness. He thinks that if you know you have it, then you shouldn't have it. You should just be able to will it away in an instant.
My mother never liked to admit that maybe i had a problem. It embarrassed her. All three of her children have a mental illness. Jeremy got much worse treatment from them. He has a more serious problem, and he was the first discovered.
My parents arent the most supportive people sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I love them to death and i think the world of them. But its a lot harder to deal with your problems when your parents dont even believe in you and try to help.
I love you to, jay. To the moon and back. you are one of the most amazing people i have met. i hope you love yourself as much as your friends love you. You deserve it.