Dear Boy,
I loved you.
It wasn't love at first sight, or even second sight. In the beginning I thought you were a scraggly, lazy pothead that probably wouldn't graduate and definitely wouldn't make anything of his life. You were barely a blip on my radar. In fact, I always thought your name was "Julio." I never really cared enough to think about how dumb that was.
You were cute.
That was my first thought in Mrs. Drakes class, sophomore year, when she sat me next to you. I had never seen your face before, because it had always been stuck to the desk in previous classes together. You had longer hair back then. It was always in your face and forever covered your eyes. It made you seem shy. I was pleasantly surprised when you proved my wrong.
You were taken.
Fast forward: My new friend introduced me to her boyfriend. They had their ups and downs, but they were in love. He was in love with her. He was you... My heart broke.
You were stubborn.
She cheated on you many times. You broke up with her many times. And, you took her back... many times. I watched as she drove you away with her indecisive attitude. And i cringed as you welcomed her back with open arms and a smile every single time she "made a mistake". Every time she hurt you, i felt your pain as if i had been betrayed in your stead. I felt your pain always, because i knew you would deny it and push it aside.
You left.
When you left for basic, i thought that i could finally give my heart a break. I hoped and prayed that i would be able to get over you... but it didn't work. The longer we were apart, the more i missed you. The more i missed you, the more i talked to you. And, the more i talked to you, the more i loved you. You will never understand the happiness i felt when you walked into the high school after returning home. I felt like i could fly. My most important person was finally near me again, where he belonged. It is my most cherished memory.
We dated.
I never did gain the courage to tell you how much i loved you. However, Kayla was not a shy person and she was more than happy to tell you for me. I'm glad she did. After three long years of loving you and knowing that i couldn't have you...you were finally in my arms. I was happy. I want you to know that... even though you were never around, i was happy with you.
We ended.
You left me. You still loved her. You lied to me about it.
I hated you.
..
I still loved you.
I fought for you every single day of my senior year... you knew i loved you. You never felt the same.
I moved on.
I fell in love with another man. He was perfect. I was happy.
You came back.
Do you remember the night that you called me, drunk as a sailor, begging me to come see you? I do. I remember it every day. It still confuses me. It upsets me. You said you needed me... but that couldn't be right. You never wanted me... I cried over you for the first time in months that night. I hated myself for it.
You made me remember.
We never hung out. Kyle knew how i felt about you. I never wanted to worry him, so i stayed away. But, that never stopped me from making sure you were alright when your facebook statuses seemed less than happy. It never stopped me keeping in contact with you. I still told you everything. You were still my best friend. And then, you told me that you still loved me. You were drunk, so i know you were telling the truth. You are an honest drunk. This fact doesn't make me feel any better.
You left.
We didn't speak for a week. I became worried that i was going to lose you. So, even though i had done nothing wrong, I apologized to you for everything that i might have done wrong. I thanked you for loving me. You never spoke back...
You broke my heart again.
I wasn't expecting it from you. Maybe i should have. But now, we aren't even friends, and you haven't tried to fight that at all. But let me tell you a secret...
Thats all I've ever wanted. For you to fight for me.
Im so confused right now that Im having troubles remembering my own name. You had no right to say what you did, knowing how conflicted i already was, knowing how much i love Kyle. You had no right to make me feel this way. You had no right...
Dearest Boy,
In the words of Quietdrive-
"Darling, in my wildest dreams, I never thought id go."
"I'm gonna harden my heart. I'm gonna swallow my tears. I'm gonna turn and leave you here."
I loved you.
It wasn't love at first sight, or even second sight. In the beginning I thought you were a scraggly, lazy pothead that probably wouldn't graduate and definitely wouldn't make anything of his life. You were barely a blip on my radar. In fact, I always thought your name was "Julio." I never really cared enough to think about how dumb that was.
You were cute.
That was my first thought in Mrs. Drakes class, sophomore year, when she sat me next to you. I had never seen your face before, because it had always been stuck to the desk in previous classes together. You had longer hair back then. It was always in your face and forever covered your eyes. It made you seem shy. I was pleasantly surprised when you proved my wrong.
You were taken.
Fast forward: My new friend introduced me to her boyfriend. They had their ups and downs, but they were in love. He was in love with her. He was you... My heart broke.
You were stubborn.
She cheated on you many times. You broke up with her many times. And, you took her back... many times. I watched as she drove you away with her indecisive attitude. And i cringed as you welcomed her back with open arms and a smile every single time she "made a mistake". Every time she hurt you, i felt your pain as if i had been betrayed in your stead. I felt your pain always, because i knew you would deny it and push it aside.
You left.
When you left for basic, i thought that i could finally give my heart a break. I hoped and prayed that i would be able to get over you... but it didn't work. The longer we were apart, the more i missed you. The more i missed you, the more i talked to you. And, the more i talked to you, the more i loved you. You will never understand the happiness i felt when you walked into the high school after returning home. I felt like i could fly. My most important person was finally near me again, where he belonged. It is my most cherished memory.
We dated.
I never did gain the courage to tell you how much i loved you. However, Kayla was not a shy person and she was more than happy to tell you for me. I'm glad she did. After three long years of loving you and knowing that i couldn't have you...you were finally in my arms. I was happy. I want you to know that... even though you were never around, i was happy with you.
We ended.
You left me. You still loved her. You lied to me about it.
I hated you.
..
I still loved you.
I fought for you every single day of my senior year... you knew i loved you. You never felt the same.
I moved on.
I fell in love with another man. He was perfect. I was happy.
You came back.
Do you remember the night that you called me, drunk as a sailor, begging me to come see you? I do. I remember it every day. It still confuses me. It upsets me. You said you needed me... but that couldn't be right. You never wanted me... I cried over you for the first time in months that night. I hated myself for it.
You made me remember.
We never hung out. Kyle knew how i felt about you. I never wanted to worry him, so i stayed away. But, that never stopped me from making sure you were alright when your facebook statuses seemed less than happy. It never stopped me keeping in contact with you. I still told you everything. You were still my best friend. And then, you told me that you still loved me. You were drunk, so i know you were telling the truth. You are an honest drunk. This fact doesn't make me feel any better.
You left.
We didn't speak for a week. I became worried that i was going to lose you. So, even though i had done nothing wrong, I apologized to you for everything that i might have done wrong. I thanked you for loving me. You never spoke back...
You broke my heart again.
I wasn't expecting it from you. Maybe i should have. But now, we aren't even friends, and you haven't tried to fight that at all. But let me tell you a secret...
Thats all I've ever wanted. For you to fight for me.
Im so confused right now that Im having troubles remembering my own name. You had no right to say what you did, knowing how conflicted i already was, knowing how much i love Kyle. You had no right to make me feel this way. You had no right...
Dearest Boy,
In the words of Quietdrive-
"Darling, in my wildest dreams, I never thought id go."
"I'm gonna harden my heart. I'm gonna swallow my tears. I'm gonna turn and leave you here."
This is a very complicated boy, you know that. He is easy to love and harder to hold. To smother him is to lose him. Always be his friend, never give up the friendship. He will always be there when you need him the most, and you know that. Maybe not the way you want but, more than likely, in the way you need. You are a special girl and that makes it even harder when it comes to him and the way he thinks. He does care, more than you realize. You are his friend and always will be.
ReplyDeletethank you very much for the thoughts, Jay.
DeleteI will always care about him. For the longest time, i knew him better than anyone. I knew his 7 smiles... and i loved them all. I understand how complicated he is. and how stubborn. For 4 years, i have fought to be by his side. Not always as his gf. Mostly as his friend. For 4 years he never fought back. He's too selfless. and if he thinks that i would prefer him to be gone, he's going to leave. It's how he's always been... I will always be here for him. But i can't go to him anymore. It has to be his move. His choice. Mostly, i just need to the space to clear my confusion. We bipolar people are easily confuzzled. lol
ReplyDelete