My depression has taken a turn for the worse during the last couple of months. It's like a dream where I'm constantly trying to run forward. But, instead of running forward, my body stays in one place while my legs move frantically, feeling heavier than lead. I get so frustrated that I cry because I can't figure out why I'm not going anywhere. I'm not aware that this is a dream and yet I know that I've dreamed of this occurring more than once. And still, I can't move.
I know that I've been through this depression before. I trudge through this darkness countless times every year. However, this darkness has seemed heavier. This weight on my chest hasn't been as easy to handle. All I do is sleep. And work. And Cry. Weeks have been spent trying to decipher my moods so that I can put the pieces back together.
Finally, I have an answer.
I can't handle the darkness like I used to, because I am not the same person I have always been.
These last couple of years have been full of emotional challenges.
The love of my life broke my heart. Three times.
He lied to me.
Ignored me.
And left me when he promised he never would.
My best friend made me feel like my life wasn't important because I didn't have children. As if it were my own fault.
Then, she deleted me from her life with no warning.
I moved to a new city 90 miles from all of my friends.
Not a single one of them ever volunteers to come see me.
My sister moved away unexpectedly and left me with an $800.00 loft payment.
Emotionally... I trudged through it all with a heavy heart. But, I thought I had come out of the darkness completely unaffected.
But, I've realized lately that all of these occurrences have left me with an inability to trust anyone.
I spend every single day inside my apartment, curled up in a ball on my couch, feeling lonely. I do this because always feeling lonely is a far better option that feeling heartbroken. Again. No one can hurt me if I never let them in. If I never get close to anyone, my extreme mood swings occasional lack of judgement can't drive them away from me. I honestly feel like no one could ever possibly love me. Not if they really know me. So I have, subconsciously, stopped giving anyone a chance.
I'm not me anymore.
I'm not sure how to handle that.
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